New Cover art!

the fing book1

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What my goal is for my series

Here is what I want: I want people to read my weekly chapters and laugh. If the occasional person gets inspiration from it to be less of a shitty person, amazing. But if I just make someone smile… then my job here is done.

Writing these has been very cathartic for me. It has helped me sort out some of my own feeling on certain issues too. Maybe I found my calling. Maybe this will suck up all my time and I will fail miserably. I. Don’t. Know.

What I do know is that I am enjoying myself writing them. So I will continue writing a new one each week and posting them. If you haven’t but want to, go here. If you want to buy if via amazon, there you go

Let me know if you have read The F***ing Book: Chapter 1- I have no idea what I am doing.

 

 

Chapter 2- Nothing Went Right

I am already in the process of making another chapter for The F***ing Book. Here is a teaser quote for you:

“One of the difficult things that I have had to deal with is realizing that my close people would want to read this. As of writing this, I have forbidden them from searching for it in any capacity. I just don’t want them to read the ridiculous fuckery that I am putting out into the world.”

Yup. Actual truth.

GIVEAWAY! First 10!

First 10 people to reblog get The F***ing Book: Chapter 2- Nothing Went Right for free! That is right! You get a free ebook! Cool right? No? Oh, well you should reblog anyways. There is a ton of fuckery that needs to be shared with the world. 

To be honest, I just want to make people smile. I really, really could not care less about this How being my new income source or something ridiculous like that. How would you like to tell people at your reunion, social event, or whatever that you make a living off a book titled The F***ing Book and THEN have to explain what the fuck it is about. I can imagine it now…

Me: Yes, Mr. Smith I am a writer.

Mr. Smith: Oh! That is wonderful, who are you published through?

Me: [heavy pause] I’m… self published.

Mr. Smith: No shame in that! What is your book called?

Me: [heavier pause] Um. It is called ‘The Fucking Book’ but with the word ‘fuck’ censored so that it can be displayed on major sites without any issues.

Mr. Smith: [obese pause] I will be right back.

See? No one wants that. I want this to be a hobby. So share the fuckery.

The F***ing Book (part 1)

Introduction

 

This is it. I have been wanting to write a thing for as long as I as I can remember. Literally, I can remember back to the first grade and think to myself, “Wow, in all of these books, there are stories.” while in my elementary school library. An urge to create my own story surged through me. It still does. Over the years, I have come up with a range of fiction story ideas. None of them panned out. Essentially they were all rewrites of my favorites. It wasn’t anything original. Well… I still don’t have anything original. So now what I plan on doing is just writing to my heart’s content and just pushing it to Google Play once I am done. I need a sense of accomplishment. This little blurb just might give me what I need. Now that my little introduction is over, I will sit back, drink a bit of knock off Fireball and put some good background music on YouTube.

 

Chapter 1: I have no idea what I am doing

 

Here it is folks. The first part of my first chapter and I have no idea what to talk/write about. Maybe, I can just rant for a bit and somehow stumble into some miraculous. That is what happens in all the adventure books right? The heroes/heroine just blunders about their world and magically shit turns out the way it was supposed to be. I mean that sums up Harry Potter fantastically well. Not that I have any hate on Mr. Potter. In fact, I am a huge Potterhead. My house is Slytherin, but I still have tons of love for the Gryffindors. The Ravenclaws have my respect and I will befriend any Hufflepuff that comes my way. For those that have no idea what I am even typing/talking about… just close the book and go back to Google Play to search for another free title to take up your time. I don’t think this one is going to get any better. Actually, I have no idea what I am doing.

You may not believe me, but it is kind of a coincidence that I worked my chapter title in the the first paragraph so smoothly. It was smooth like sandpaper.

See… THAT is the kind of thing that makes me laugh. Misdirection. Puns. Dad jokes. Holy fuck I will just search for dad jokes to make myself  smile when I am having a bad day.

One moment. I need to pause this awesome writing to actually put some music on the TV. I pulled up YouTube earlier and never actually selected anything. I’ll get a drink of the alcohol while I have removed my hands from the keyboard.

(drinks)

There. I put on some binaural beats aimed at enhancing my creativity. Let’s see if that helps this trainwreck of a book out any.

You know… For a book that has a censored version of the word ‘fucking’ in the title I really have not used that much profane language. Which for me is surprising. Because I curse a lot. Seriously, I have issues with it. Recently I was talking to someone that required me to monitor my language (like small humans or something) and it was a physical strain to NOT drop an F-bomb. That shouldn’t even be a thing. Yet somehow I developed this horrid habit of using fowl terms in my almost every sentence. It isn’t like I am forcing myself to use those words to make myself seem tough or like a badass. It just is part of my vocabulary. And it isn’t that I have a limited source of words to pull from. Fuck is just my favorite word. You can use it for so much. I mean the diversity of ‘fuck’ is just astounding. Fuck the fucking fuckers. That is a real, grammatically correct sentence. Amazing, I tell you.

Okay, this shit isn’t working. I need better music. Maybe the binaurals only work when you have headphones on.

(drinks)

I am gonna try my playlist on YouTube. It is what I like when I am driving around. It has most of the Suicide Squad album on there. Purple Lamborghini is playing now.

Just to point this out… I want you to know that I am a fairly educated individual. I put the title of a song in italics because I know that is how you are supposed to do it. Keep that in mind as you keep reading the drivel that I am putting in front of your face.

This isn’t someone looking to make it big in the literary world from this. As I am sure you noticed, this book is free. I mean it would be theft to charge you for it. Like on the App Store when you pay for an app and it is is broken, but there is no way to get your money back. Maybe I should try that next. Intentionally create a shitty app and then charge ninety-nine cents for it. I need money.

OMG I love this song Ich Tu Dir Weh. Yes, I know what it’s about. Torture. I really don’t care though. It sound badass and I feel like a badass while listening to it.

(drinks)

I should probably turn off the TV since I am not using it to listen to music or use the Nefli.

*side note: you will see me misspell Netflix as many times a possible. I used to work at a call center for their customer support and these are all legit ways that real people have said it wrong*

Fuck I hate ads on YouTube. I might actually pay for it. I mean you get other cool things for it too, but mostly I just hate ads.

Parenthesis just blows my mind. It has happy feel good vibes in it. I haven’t decided if I will continue doing the whole telling you what song I am listening to while writing. Maybe I will continue and then put all the songs in order and put that at the end of this book. Then you can put it on in the same order and listen to it while you read. It might make you feel more in my head. In that case… maybe I shouldnt it is a scary place in here.

Jailbreak

(drinks)

On the off chance you were wondering… yes I am drinking the alcohol every time I put the little “(drinks)” in there. It is not a joke or anything. I am not totally sure why I am doing it, but I am just going to continue with it. I mean… that is basically the very first lesson of Adulting 101, right? No? Oh. I must be doing it wrong then. Too late now. I have already committed to it so I must carry on with it.

The bad thing about telling you the song title every time a new one plays is that you will see how slowly I am progressing in this manner.

A Man’s Gotta Do

Plus there is the whole using my faulty trackpad to scroll and highlight the words to make them all slanty. Which is more time consuming than one might think. I should get my mouse. It really isn’t that far away from where I am currently sitting, but I don’t want to stop typing.

I take it back I won’t put the title in anymore. It makes for very distracted writing and I am starting to feel some anxiety over it. Speaking of anxiety I should take my meds. Well med. I only have one that I take at the moment. It helps me from crying all the time. Great stuff.

(drinks, takes med with said drink, and grabs mouse)

I also turned the TV off and had to tell my Doug to go lay down because Momma is busy and can’t play right meow.

Doug is my dog. We don’t use the word ‘dog’ anymore. Everything is Doug. Douggie treats, Doug food, take the Doug for a walk, ect…

He is my little gift from the universe. One day when it was raining and everything was going to shit, he just jumped in my roommate’s car. She brought him home because of the storm and called his owner. Well turns out they had recently sold the Doug to someone and apparently he got loose from them. We never actually had any contact with these supposed ‘new owners’. The people that still had their info on him didn’t want him or couldn’t take him so he adopted us. He is a beautiful Border Collie that is bursting with energy. I couldn’t possibly love him more. From the moment he first nudged my hand with his nose for me to pet him… my heart just melted. I sat down on the porch of my little apartment and just hugged him as I cried. It was everything I needed right then. I was so ready to just give up on life and here was this little Doug that just wanted me to pet him and give him food.

Since then, he’s become my Doug. He follows me throughout the apartment and listens to me more than anyone else. The other options he had were my roommate Maggie (aka Magda-Linda-Ling-Long) and my amazing boyfriend Robert (aka Robo T).

At first it seemed like he was going to be Robert’s primarily, but through lots of treats and time together, he has become a Momma’s boy.

Holy shit my favorite parody of all time has come on. It is by Hillywood. Find them on YouTube. Play the Supernatural one. It is to the tune of Shake it Off  and it is everything I ever wanted from the Internet. Thank you Internet.

That is who I should dedicate this book to. The Internet. The late night/Australian Tumblr users. The brilliant YouTube creators. Reddit randoms. Misha Collins and GISHWHES. To you I dedicate this random stream of conscious thought. You’re welcome.  

If you don’t know what I am talking about, just Google it. Oh yeah I definitely dedicate this to them too. It is my platform of choice to throw this junk out into the world and has taught me much. Like how to partition my hard drive. Don’t ask why I need to know that. Sometimes you just need to know things. For science.

That (by the way) is by far my favorite reason to do ANYTHING. For science. Would this idea work? Why are we going to go for it? For science. Yeah that I right motherfucker. Science bitch.

I should make an audio book for this too. I’ll read it because lezbihonest, no one else would do it unless they are getting paid. Plus they would probably give it the wrong voice inflection than I intended. I hope my PC’s mic doesn’t totally suck because that would be horrid. You and I both know that I am not going to go and buy a good mic to record that shit. Nah, I am going to use what I readily have available to me and create some fuckery.

(drinks heavily)

I just got a text from my momma inviting me to a Mother’s Day picnic that they are having. Well here is where shit gets real. I don’t have a working car. My car was repossessed Wednesday this week (it is now Saturday) and I have no way of getting it back. My boyfriend’s car is incredibly broken and requires to be towed to go anywhere. So I have to tell her no and try to not be sad about it.

Thank you universe. You gave me Walking on Sunshine in this moment of sorrow. Now I have done everything I can to try and fix my situation for the time being. I just have to wait while wheels turn and things might be able to right themselves. Truth be told, I am not the most patient person in world. In fact, I hate just waiting. Hence the fuckery ‘book’ I am writing in this current moment. And I am using the term ‘book’ loosely there.

Stupid VPN keeps disconnecting because my internet sucks. Sometimes it just goes, “No, I do NOT want to connect at the moment and will not.” Then it fucks everything up. It take a minute or so to fix it all to protect my PC.

Do you know how heavily monitored everything is? I am not trying to sound like a basket case here, but seriously do some research on it. I added a ‘privacy badger’ extension to my Chrome browser to help notify me of anyone trying to track my searches and such. Some site have as many as FORTY domains watching you. So I block them all and if blocking one of them causes the site to stopping working properly… I don’t wanna use it. What I do is my business. Stop being so nosey. I will buy things as I want and your ads will not persuade me. Most of the time. Rarely you point out something I might want to look at for a moment. In conclusion, I don’t usually use the Chrome browser. I use Tor. It takes more time, but it keeps people from being nosey. I even shut down my Facebook account. Yeah. I sound crazy I know, but it just made me really uncomfortable when so many sites are constantly harvesting my information to try and turn a profit. No more.

Now I know that it may seem a little contradictory to say all that but then talk about me life, but this is totally different thing we are talking about. I am not telling you my address or anything. You won’t randomly pop up on the sidebar of my search results trying to sell me anything. See? Different.

I think that when I record the audiobook version of this I will drink then as well. It will give you the full effect of listening to someone slowly get drunk on cheap liquor and throwing out random thoughts.

So I will be reading aloud my thoughts about talking about my audiobook while you are listening to the very same audiobook. Yeah there is some wibbly wobbly timey wimey doing on there.

I was expecting the red squiggly line to pop up while typing that last sentence. I mean ‘wimey’ isn’t a word and yet it wasn’t flagged. Maybe the Doctor or one of his companions added it to all dictionaries.I should proofread this before I submit it. In all honesty though I might give it a cursory read through. So don’t judge me on any mistakes that might habe been made.

See what I did there? I made a mistake and didn’t correct it. Art is a lie. Nothing is real. Everything is preplanned and nothing is genuine.

Bo Burnham if you ever read this just know that little bit is for you. Everyone else, just continue on and if you don’t understand just nod your head and smile.

Stop that, you look ridiculous nodding and smiling at your phone/whatever thing you’re using to read this.

I think Deadpool would also enjoy this joke. I mean anytime a fourth wall MIGHT look like it is being built I smash it to pieces with a chimichanga shaped battering ram.

Is this what I am writing? A collection of fandom references that not everyone will get? Especially not one person will get EVERY reference. There will be times that you feel like Castiel from Supernatural (aka not getting the reference) and other times that you will be like Captain America in Avengers (aka “I get that reference!”) So don’t feel bad. I dabble in lots of different genres. That plus a weird sense of humor = fuckery.

It has been a hot minute since I had any alcohol. So…

(drinks)

I just took a brief moment to jam out to another Hillywood creation. It was the Sherlock one. Seriously they are amazing. Their whole production value is amazing. I put their Suicide Squad up one next. It gets me pumped and makes me feel like I am do anything while watching/listening to their stuff. They have improved so much since their early days.

Fuck. They are just so good.

My poor baby got up on the couch to see if momma was done being busy. I told him, “no.” And now he is curled up next to me where my mouse was. I don’t have the heart to tell him to get down so I can put it back. The mouse’s new home is sitting on my chest. My tits create enough of a shelf to hold it there.

I mean… if they are never going to get used for their intended purpose, I should give them as much purpose I can in daily life. By intended purpose I meant using them as milk bags. Because that is what nature put them there for originally. Now I try to use to them to get free things and to hold stuff. Bras are my favorite pockets. No one is going to get those content without me knowing. Just saying. It is kind of brilliant.

Back to using them for free stuff. All women know that their tits will be stared at in one way or another. It is just a fact. Instead of being all high and mighty about it, I just try to turn the situation into my favor.

When I used to work at GameStop, I had some of my ‘I-am-going-to-sell-consoles-today’ shirts. They were toeing the line of dress code. If you are going to stare, you are going to buy more stuff from me. Simple as that. It also meant that I was usually undervalued as a source of video game knowledge. I got to school some kids on the latest and great tech in the gaming world to some stunned faces. Those were my favorite days. I felt like I taught people a lesson: females play games too. We can be attractive AND smart. No one has to choose one or the other.

This is turning out better than what I thought it would. Even though most of this is actual garbage, there are some gems in this writing. Like in that last paragraph I made a valid point that people should keep in mind. I mean it is just a variation of ‘don’t judge a book by it’s cover’, but it came with a little story to help make it more memorable.

The fuck. How did I accidentally write six pages? Whoops my hand slipped and I wrote a chapter.

(drinks)

Now I am kinda hot and sweaty sitting on my couch with a mild headache from the alcohol and lack of water. I might wanna stash the liquor for a bit.

(stashes liquor and gets ice water)

I also had to give my baby some love. He was all excited when I stood up. It broke my heart too much NOT to pay some attention to him. I think it was inadequate though because he stared at me for a moment after I started typing and huffed at me. He then proceeded to get off the couch and go lay by the door. He is so mad that he doesn’t even wanna sit next to me.

I don’t know at all if that is what is going on his little Douggie head, but that is sure what it looked like. Don’t worry, that fluffbutt gets plenty of love and affection that this little bit will be made up for and much more.

While I was petting Doug, I had an idea. What if… this became a thing. Every week on Saturday I sit down for a few hours and write out a huge stream of thought and posted it to Google Play. The first week of the month is free week. All the others ones are .99. I could get a bit of side business and the part of the Internet that I love so much would have more fuckery to build upon. Hey, worth a shot. Okay. I’ll make a deal with you, the Internet right meow. I will do this every week just like I said for 3 months. The rest of May through July. If I still never get a dime, I will never make another one. If even just ONE person buys ONE edition of this, I will continue as long as I have a PC of some sort and the access to the internet. I will spread this little bugger around like the plague. Maybe one day I will be on a daytime show like Ellen talking about how I got my start. Yeah… not likely. In all likelihood, maybe 1 or 2 people might buy a singular week only to never revisit me again. And I will be stuck writing one of these a week for the rest of my life Let’s see which one happens. For science. I might try to do the audiobooks for real, but I am not totally sure about that. I don’t really know anything about how that works. I can do some research though and get back to you.

Doug is being very adamant now about some attention. He is currently making a kind of ‘gruff’ noise at me to indicate he is bored. You know how husky Dougs ‘talk’? That is the same thing he is doing, but the displeased one they make. Yeah that one is what he does while sitting out of arm’s reach. He knows I don’t have any scruples with booping him on the nose.

For some reason I am getting the okay-you-are-done-with-this-chapter-and-need-to-move-on feeling. Yup that is a real thing I get. I don’t always express things in words, but more in a certain type of feeling. And since I am someone that wants to write… things get a bit frustrating when there isn’t a word that describes what I am feeling. So I end up using a bunch of different words combined with hyphens to create the sensation that I currently have. That is my artistic writing style.

Fuck. What have I created?

I mean… At this point I can delete everything and pretend it didn’t exist, but my little sixth sense is bugging me and telling me to just wrap things up, reread it, hopefully catch all the accidental mistakes, and upload it to the Google Play ebooks store. Then throw it at Amazon for good measure. Then post links all over the internet as well.

That is what I shall do then. I am now wrapping up now. Expect another one next week, Internet.

The Actual Book for Free

Yeah so I feel bad even charging money for this. So I am going to post it for free [link here]. Amazon won’t let me post it for anything less than $0.99. Google won’t let me self publish because they are not accepting new people. IF you DO want to support a starving creative person, GO HERE to buy the book to read via amazon.

Enjoy the free week and let me know what you think. Even if what you think has nothing to do with the text vomit I put together.